Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Person... Woman... Man... Camera... TV....I'm a genius!

   heard there was a party in your pants, but she is pretty sure she won't be coming

   Susan Boyle sings: "Wild Horses couldn't drag me away."Maybe not, but it looks like they gave it a f**king good go, eh Susan?

   How can anyone have 99 problems? I have about 3, maybe 4 max.

   You know it's a bad traffic jam when people start are sitting on top of their cars..

   Whoever started the tradition to wear bright hideous Hawaiian shirts on "casual fridays" needs to be punch in the throat.

   downhill. Because thats how I roll!

   "ur cute when ur mad"...... "well immabout to get real adorable"

   My friend is having a baby so I went to birthing class with her, and woohoo! I now know how to wrap a doll in a burrito

   once I get a grip on reality I plan on choking it to death...

   Jersey Shore is on tonight? I guess I need to figure out how to get these Valtrex into my DirecTV box then.

   A study reported that iPhone users have more sex. Most likely cause is that there's an app for that.

   are the mosquitos bad.....are the mosquitos BAD ?!?... last night I saw two on my patio with Drinks in their hand "huffing" deep woods off .... while one said to the other " dude...you catch a buzz yet"..... yes they're that bad

   New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.”

   sorry, but I can't "go to hell"~ my restraining order states I can't be within 100 feet of it.

   Just had the misfortune of watching some of MTV's "reality" shows...I'll take "Why the Mayan's decided to end it in 2012" for $1000.00 Alex....

   I wish I could make it illegal for anyone to wake up before 6am.

   Tip: Don't blow your nose in a well used public restroom...sometimes being stuffed up is a good thing....unless you like the sensation of being punched in the face with a sack full of a**holes...

   I feel like I've been watching Jersey Shore (The Facebook edition) for three days Now! B1tchin about every lil thing is like a rockin chair, It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you any where.

   eating a couch cushion and just found out I'm Oprah's long lost sister!