Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just made..... "I survived May 21st" \(^^,)/ T-Shirts... Who wants one?

   You know you have Southern Roots, when you try and eat cornbread with your Capt'n Crunch.

   Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside us

   Just witnessed a grown man run down an escalator the wrong way. Most embarrassing thing...it was my dad

   Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude towards us.

   Nothing says Happy Father's Day like waking up next to a stripper and wondering if she actually has a father to celebrate the day.

   When asked by reporters what he had planned to do on his wedding, Heff said he planned to watch a movie, runaway bride because it seemed appropriate.Really? I guess so. I would have thought A Weekend at Bernie's or Cocoon. :P .

   Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

   i feel bad that you have to deal with yourself

   I put my phone on airplane mode, and Siri asked me if I had ever been in a Turkish prison.

   Why is it a serial killer could be chasing a person thru the airport and no one would even bat an eye

   A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it's so when I'm eating prairie grasses I can see predators

   When life hands you lemons. Freeze them until they're rock solid and throw them at people you don't like. . .

   Ladies, if you're in competition to get as many friends on your friends list as possible, post naked pictures of yourself. . .

   Let's cuddle, eat junk food and watch football.

   So yesterday I planed on having an average day but The lady at the Dunkin' Donuts told me to have a good day. Let's hope she doesn't say that today I can't keep up with that kind of pressure p

   *looks at calendar*.. *looks at stomach*. *looks at calendar*.. Guess I'm telling people I'm pregnant again this Christmas.

   If action movies have taught me anything, its that when you defeat your enemy, don’t leave them half dead as they are guaranteed to rise again and strike you when you least expect it. Instead totally obliterate them into oblivion like they never even ex

   Why is it that a lot of the people who think everyone is too easily offended these days act like you just insulted their mother by saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas"?

   What type of tea do babies drink? Tit tea.