Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You don't HAVE to be in love to have sex, but you do have to quit squirming away,

   Can't wait for the "Ineliga-Bowl" game tonight with Ohio State vs Miami. Both schools filled with scandals and vandals!

   confuse why Mr R had to bring out the solider card on the site because people complaining bout FB my bro law over in Iraq complaining about the new FB shut the eff up haha

   I have a picture of myself in my wall in my nursing uniform holding two empty bedpans. That way when they show me a photo of their honor studen or their new car I can show them a photo of me not giving two sh!ts.

   I thought 'sex tape' was just slang for duct tape

   blackberry crashes around the world ministerially!!! well 4 days in heaven and already working on the competition, good job steve :)

   just made..... "I survived May 21st" \(^^,)/ T-Shirts... Who wants one?

   You know you have Southern Roots, when you try and eat cornbread with your Capt'n Crunch.

   Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside us

   Just witnessed a grown man run down an escalator the wrong way. Most embarrassing thing...it was my dad

   Our attitude toward life determines life's attitude towards us.

   Nothing says Happy Father's Day like waking up next to a stripper and wondering if she actually has a father to celebrate the day.

   When asked by reporters what he had planned to do on his wedding, Heff said he planned to watch a movie, runaway bride because it seemed appropriate.Really? I guess so. I would have thought A Weekend at Bernie's or Cocoon. :P .

   Kids have so many food allergies these days. In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

   i feel bad that you have to deal with yourself

   I put my phone on airplane mode, and Siri asked me if I had ever been in a Turkish prison.

   Why is it a serial killer could be chasing a person thru the airport and no one would even bat an eye

   A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it's so when I'm eating prairie grasses I can see predators

   When life hands you lemons. Freeze them until they're rock solid and throw them at people you don't like. . .

   Ladies, if you're in competition to get as many friends on your friends list as possible, post naked pictures of yourself. . .