Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. I can't believe anyone would stoop so low

   I would like to take this moment to thank Jason Stathem for making male-pattern baldness look badass.

   Periods. That one week where women have something to blame for being crazy.

   Happy Hurricane Season!!

   We cannot allow gays to get married, it would threaten the sanctity of our high divorce rate.

   "Hand wash only" clothing in a man's closet stands for "wear 3 times and then throw away."

   Just lit a cigarette off the stove...in case you were looking for someone with mad MacGyver skills.

   Borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect it back.

   Coworker: How was your Christmas? Me: Fine Coworker: Aren't you gonna ask about mine? Me: Hell no!

   No matter how busy you get, never forget the importance of family

   Lance Armstrong cheated this whole time? Well I still think it's cool he was the first man to ride a bike on the moon!

   Just call him "Pollard the Patriot killer"

   I used to do a lot of drugs. I didn't stop because I didn't enjoy them; I stopped because I couldn't handle the commitment.

   Throw a boomerang so far you forget about it, years later it hits you in the head at a fancy dinner party.

   So we're supposed to get up to 8 inches tonight? I've been promising my wife that for years ツ

   Watching the Election was like watching the Super Bowl but without the possibility of Janet Jackson having a wardrobe malfunction.

   My paramount object in this struggle is to save the Union, and is not either to save or destroy Slavery. If I could save the Union without freeing any slave, I would do it. Any snowflake wanna explain what the civil war was about then?

   Mike Pence shouldn't get so upset that some Democr@ts booed him at the theater. After all don't forget that Democr@ts loudly booed G0D at the DNC convention on Sept 5th 2012.

   Abolish the department of education for failing and producing Paul Rand who wants to abolish the department of education.

   Women went on strike today, things still got done without them.....