Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like, likeing the quotes everybody hates:)

   hates being called handsome. If a twosome is s*x between 2 people, threesome being s*x between three people, etc...then you get my point!

   Running around the office naked with the cat

   "Nonexistent" is my new favorite word. It describes so many things about my life!

   I donated my body to science....fiction.

   All these women dancing around with swiffers and vacuum cleaners ..having a blast ..sorry ladies no more crying about how hard you worked at cleaning the house.....I DONT BY IT...!!!!

   I'm in Wisconsin for two more days which should be just long enough to lose enthusiasm for existence.

   There are people who are only alive thanks to the fact that killing is illegal

   #HeyWendy, stop naming every #cheeseburger after your dad. I don't need to know that he's 'hot n' juicy', it's weird.

   Chocolate helps everything..exept obesity..

   floods, check...earthquake, check...hurricane...check, Locusts..where are those damn locusts?

   There's always a little truth behind every 'jk,' a little knowledge behind every 'idk,' a little emotion behind every 'idc,' and a little pain behind every 'it's OK.

   New research says you can detect someone's personality from their smell. Turns out most people are jerks who punch you for sniffing them.

   You have a pretty face but I don't like the gang signs your teeth are throwing up at me

   Some guy is yelling, "Man, I'm fu*kin' such an idiot!" I said, "That's poor grammar, you should say, "Man, I'm such a fu*kin' idiot." He goes, "Naw man, I mean I'm having sex with someone with an IQ of 25 or lower."

   If a fat man in a red suit comes and grabs you and stuffs you into a bag, dont worry. He just read my wish list. :)

   first it was Farrah Fawcett, then Michael Jackson, now Kim Jong Il. all of my bedroom wall poster idols are dead

   If women want to be treated as equals to men, we're going to need to start seeing a lot more deadbeat moms and manizers.

   Political views are like children. Some people don't have one or want one. Others keep trying to show theirs off.

   The second Pop-Tart exists solely to hammer home the self-loathing initiated by the first Pop-Tart.