Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey fellas.... Do you buy your pants on sale? Cuz at my house they would be 100% off.....

   Every time you start thinking of your dog as human, they do something like eat poop. Then you think of them as German humans.

   please stop quoting the bible on your every other status, we all have our own copies.

   I bought some of that new emo lawn seed the other day... Yeah, It was a little more expensive,,, but the grass cuts itself.

   I look forward to the day when we glorify peace rather than war.

   This is your ass (_._) This is your ass in prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime!

   available in HD.....highly demented!!!!!

   thinking men should come with carfax and a UPS label for an easy return.

   S.H.*.T.= So Happy It's Thursday! =)

   why is it called PMS? Cause mad cow was already taken.

   Nobody ever notices what you do at work but they sure as he!! notice when you don't do it.

   That little Justin Biber chick is really starting to piss me off! Why can't one of the Olsen Twins give her Herpes or something?

   Christmas parties are really just birthday parties for Jesus that he's too cool to show up for

   I've never had sex with a ten but I'm wondering if two fives count.

   white privilege is Adam Sandler still being allowed to make movies.

   saw a suburban 'biker' (Ha!) with a sticker on his helmet that said "Americans Never Forget". He then thought about people clamoring for Sarah Palin to be President and thought to himself "Americans DO forget. Oh, yes indeed, they do.".

   "knows when you are sleeping, knows when you're awake "

   to all the wackos who believe in global warming try coming to Idaho in the middle of March..It'll snow

   first Obama, then the olympics, now the Bears.....Chicago, so close to producing winners, you get everyones hopes up and then last minute....choke.....fail.

   At first I didn't understand why Obama was so focussed on destroying America's health-care system, then I remembered that he promised thousands of shovel-ready jobs....grave diggers will soon be in high demand.