Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dominos use to be made with saddness and disappointment with just a sprinkle of fry grease and hooker spit once, but now it's made with "real cheese" and failure.

   My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

   Oh! What a proud time in American. Everyone in the world have seen the First Lady of the "Greatest Country of the World" naked. How is this making "America Great" again?

   7 earth-like planets have been discovered nearby, with growing fear of illegal aliens, Trump has decided to turn his wall into a dome.

   few people know that "trump" is a Russian word meaning "tiny handed buffoon who can't close the deal."

   She was looking through the Chinese phone book earlier. There are so many Wings and Wongs. It must be so easy to Wing a Wong number.

   Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy"

   If sex is a pain in the arse,then you're doing it wrong.

   theres nothin worse then havin a wicked case of the squirts and realizing there isnt a roll of TP in sight..

   sometimes I wish my clothes were suicidal so they would hang themselves.

   While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

   Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make

   I have been invited to a premature ejaculation society annual dinner.I asked about the dress code and they said "Just come in your pants."

   cleaning out her medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time!!

   iDon't need an APP to make fart noises. There's an a$$ for that.

   was almost killed today when he fell off a horse. Thank goodness the Wal-Mart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing!

   A nwe sutdy porves htat hte hmuan barin cna tarsnlate an in-cmopleet snetence or a fargmnet of a wrod by piecnig eahc slyalbel of hte fargmnet toegtehr -tahnks

   thinking that the Canadian ice dancers did something that their hockey team couldn't do: beat the U.S....

   i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers I use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today

   can't help but laugh when he hears jackie chan in the new karate kid say "now take jacket off"......"JACKET OFF" ......now that's subliminal messaging!