Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   theres nothin worse then havin a wicked case of the squirts and realizing there isnt a roll of TP in sight..

   sometimes I wish my clothes were suicidal so they would hang themselves.

   While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

   Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make

   If sex is a pain in the arse,then you're doing it wrong.

   When you go cow tippin', do you only tip 15-20% of em?

   cleaning out her medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time!!

   iDon't need an APP to make fart noises. There's an a$$ for that.

   was almost killed today when he fell off a horse. Thank goodness the Wal-Mart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing!

   A nwe sutdy porves htat hte hmuan barin cna tarsnlate an in-cmopleet snetence or a fargmnet of a wrod by piecnig eahc slyalbel of hte fargmnet toegtehr -tahnks

   thinking that the Canadian ice dancers did something that their hockey team couldn't do: beat the U.S....

   i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers I use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today

   can't help but laugh when he hears jackie chan in the new karate kid say "now take jacket off"......"JACKET OFF" ......now that's subliminal messaging!

   DNA: National Dyslexic Association

   I have been invited to a premature ejaculation society annual dinner.I asked about the dress code and they said "Just come in your pants."

   it bugs me when an ugly girl has her one hot friend in every profile pic. It took me 3 weeks to realize I friended the dud

   Michael J. Fox show canceled. I knew from the beginning it was a little shakey

   Reasons why Game of Thrones is better than Breaking Bad: 1) Titties. 2) Dragons. 3) Bro do you seriously need any more?

   Ok peeps, I had a chat with Zuckerberg and convinced him to keep Facebook free. You are welcome.

   To be fair, a dogs butthole might taste fantastic and we've been judging them wrong all these years.