Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   nothing kills a beautiful girls smile like that one crazy tooth...

   All you obese vegetarians ain't much of an advertisement for the cause, are ya?

   If you're not still a little drunk on Monday morning I'm not buying your good weekend story.

   How I took scantron tests in highshool: " well... I Havnt chose 'C' in a while."

   My voicemail greeting is just me strangling a cat while reading bible passages.

   I WILL ANNOY YOU INTO LOVING ME!

   I hate when I accidently run my hand over a piece of gum stuck under a desk!

   Hi welcome to sex with me, I'll be sweating on you and crying for the next 45 minutes

   I went to confession and told the priest I had impure thoughts about other religions.

   DANG MAAN! People in Cali don't know how to drive! >: o

   If you're happy and you know it go share that bullsh!t on facebook.

   Gaining weight isn't all bad. On the bright side, your clothes get so tight you don't need to iron the creases out.

   Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!

   _ I'll bet if it ever really rained cats and dogs, Bob Barker would be pissed because who's gonna neuter them all?

   You can't fix stupid, but you can duct tape it!

   Dear google, when I type in the letter A and you suggest Anna Kournikova Nude, please produce results, Thank you.

   I'm pretty sure that the demise of dinosaurs was because they were driving hybrids.

   My Vertigo meds warn that they "may cause dizziness"...WTF! That's like the blue pill warning that it "may cause chemical castration"!

   sir, what you did is so illegal that it loops around and now you're the cop and i'm under arrest. here's your badge welcome to the force

   I hate when I ask my wife 'Am I looking Handsome?' and she remembers a joke which she heard earlier and laugh way too hard to even answer me