Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People can throw away the times and memories spent together as if they meant nothing. That right there is why you shouldn't trust

   Women should date zombies. Those things would want them for their brains and not their bodies.

   I have 98.9999 problems because rounding up is one of them...

   I may have to bite the bullet & get it on with Sue. She's a 4ft psycho with questionable hygine but times are hard. I deserve happiness too.

   Clean bill of sexual health. C'mon ladies, I'm marginally better than loneliness!

   I'm the funniest person I know. I've got to meet more people.

   Wow, you couldn't win your online argument so you decided to correct their grammar. You really showed them, you're so god damned thug life!

   The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

   I was wrong about two things about our first NFL game: The Giants winning and the Cowboys losing...

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ Eating

   Text me on whatsapp then call me when I ignore you and I'll start digging your grave.

   When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I'm enjoying it.

   Her: I think it's over. Even after we made love last night he showed no emotion and just rolled over and went to sleep. Him: I hate it when my team loses. Oh well, I least I got some pu$$y!

   You know how people tend to become like their pets and vice versa? My dog needs a liver transplant.

   Facebook: a place where people post passive aggressive things, rather than directly addressing the issue. If you think this is about you, well it probably is ;)

   When I win the lottery I am going to buy all the raisins in the world and throw them in the sea.

   legend has it that if you romance and violate me equally, i'll do anything you want. - Women

   I'm in a serious relationship w/ my bed. Although sometimes I cheat w/ couch. It's usually a one night stand & it means nothing.

   It's too bad your delusions of grandeur are superseded by your ability to self sabotage.

   why do companies match others prices? If you can't save me money I'll just shop where I'm at!!