Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why do companies match others prices? If you can't save me money I'll just shop where I'm at!!

   Sorry I'm so late. I saw two sloths having sex at the zoo and spent the last seven weeks watching them.

   I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. The I realized she was just putting me on hold

   Sometimes I feel like babies only wanna hang out with you so they have someone to scream at...

   Last time I did drugs I dated an All-In-One Printer for 3 days, so no thank you.

   Currently pondering.....for a very curious monkey, why couldn't George ever figure out the name of the man in the yellow hat?

   I think the perfect situation for the three Castro brothers that kidnapped those girls. Have them share a cell with Jodi Arias.

   They say laughing 100 times is equivalent to working out for ten minutes, I'm scared if I get going I'll laugh myself into anorexia

   My boss just purchase a brand new two door cadillac cash for his 16 yr old soon that just drop out out school last month.I am sitting here thinking about all of the repairs I have to do to my car.

   People that will eat food even after they seen that I've pre-licked it to claim ownership, are my only natural predators.

   I'm looking for a retractable leash. I hate when my pet turtle gets ahead of me when I go for a run.

   Oh, when I'm at work I wear my phone on my belt and I am a douche, When Batman does it, Its a bada55 utility belt... Double Standards.

   You know your ass is getting big when it's cold and you have to use BOTH seat warmers in your car...

   If there is an afterlife, I will spend all of it in the statistics archives looking up how many beers I drank, hours I spent on fb, etc...

   I walk in on my wife putting on wrinkle cream. I ask what she's doing....she replies "Ironing"!!

   Justin and Selena broke up. I guess she got tired of dating girls and wants to give guys a try.

   There's a fine line between being a freak and being a creep, Don't make me cross that line!

   I'm sorry,,, But we need to find a way to somehow combine "Shark Week" and "New Years" into one event..

   Sarcasm 2012 style "Why don't you Gangnam style your way off the nearest cliff?"

   ‎5 Reasons I'm so good at procrastinating... 1: Ah, screw it. I'll do it later.