Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you dont like me remember its mind over matter, I dont mind and you dont matter!

   People worth dating are nearly impossible to come by.

   it time for your medication or mine?

   Talk is cheap but liquor is cheaper

   WOW! Monty Hall turns 90 today - apparently he was offered 12 more year of healthy living, or he could trade it for what's behind door #2

   I have finally just accepted all my invitations to connect on LinkedIn. Now I wait. With my pants off.

   Every time I concentrate real hard, it starts to smell like incense.

   Peeing is like going to the gas station, you'll wait til the very last second to go when you don't have a choice anymore!...

   Don't confuse being stupid with being in love. There is a huge difference.

   I just put Cheez-Wiz on a Cheez-It......... Like a Boss!

   Sorry to disturb you guys, but is this the right place to sign up for a mental breakdown?

   Would like to warn everyone about the upcoming election, I wont be starting any posts but by golly if it comes up in my news feed be prepared for a piece of my mind. To avoid pieces of my mind showing up in your news feed please dont post on mine.

   In case you were wondering if I smoke pot or not, I just went in my bedroom for my phone charger and left with my belt.

   I hate crickets in the house........except for the one I just killed. He seems alright.

   Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries, rub one ball and everything moves.

   Don't think you can bring that $hit from other places here and get away with it!!

   I'm feeling kinda tired but that's OK. There's a nap for that.

   you're so stupid, there's not a bus short enough for you.

   People can throw away the times and memories spent together as if they meant nothing. That right there is why you shouldn't trust

   Women should date zombies. Those things would want them for their brains and not their bodies.