Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know how people tend to become like their pets and vice versa? My dog needs a liver transplant.

   Facebook: a place where people post passive aggressive things, rather than directly addressing the issue. If you think this is about you, well it probably is ;)

   When I win the lottery I am going to buy all the raisins in the world and throw them in the sea.

   legend has it that if you romance and violate me equally, i'll do anything you want. - Women

   I'm in a serious relationship w/ my bed. Although sometimes I cheat w/ couch. It's usually a one night stand & it means nothing.

   It's too bad your delusions of grandeur are superseded by your ability to self sabotage.

   nothing kills a beautiful girls smile like that one crazy tooth...

   All you obese vegetarians ain't much of an advertisement for the cause, are ya?

   If you're not still a little drunk on Monday morning I'm not buying your good weekend story.

   How I took scantron tests in highshool: " well... I Havnt chose 'C' in a while."

   My voicemail greeting is just me strangling a cat while reading bible passages.

   I WILL ANNOY YOU INTO LOVING ME!

   I hate when I accidently run my hand over a piece of gum stuck under a desk!

   Hi welcome to sex with me, I'll be sweating on you and crying for the next 45 minutes

   I went to confession and told the priest I had impure thoughts about other religions.

   DANG MAAN! People in Cali don't know how to drive! >: o

   If you're happy and you know it go share that bullsh!t on facebook.

   Gaining weight isn't all bad. On the bright side, your clothes get so tight you don't need to iron the creases out.

   Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!

   _ I'll bet if it ever really rained cats and dogs, Bob Barker would be pissed because who's gonna neuter them all?