Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you're cool and I'm hot, we should meet in the middle and stay warm...

   Well, I'd like to help… but not as much as I'd like not to

   Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

   how long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you`re on.

   That uneasy moment when someone is getting accused and taking some heat for something you did.

   I just discovered that if you slap the word "phobia" next to any other word, you can be afraid of pretty much anything.

   I just hate it when I flip someone off and then realize I'm still wearing my mittens.

   DQ's new "caramel nut roll" sounds like...ah hell, we all know exactly what it sounds like.

   If you speak in third person… it is safe to assume you are talking to yourself as no one wants to hang out with a douche bag.

   My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!

   putting the fun back in funeral

   What are you doing here? Was there a jailbreak at the zoo?

   My Beta player just died, I guess I need to buck up and finally buy a VHS player. SMH!

   I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure

   Beer commercials never show anyone drunk. Not after a divorce, being fired or losing a child in a tragic loose trophy shelf accident.

   Rabity Ear Antennae users and Direct TV customers will finally have clearer reception tomorrow as the Satlellite approaches closer- Sat they will be back to fuzzy logic!

   Sign Board At Petrol Pump: 'Please Don't Smoke here... V knw Ur Life has No Value but Petrol is Very EXPENSIVE'

   I drank so much this weekend, that if Dracula bit my neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.

   To stimulate the economy we must first find it's "G-SPOT".

   So what if you have a boyfriend! You don't see me going up to people in wheelchairs reminding them that they can't walk!