Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Checked out Instagram. It's mostly pics of what people had for dinner. I didn't want to feel left out so I took a pic of the sh!t I just took.

   Theory is when you know everything but nothing works, Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.... At work Theory and Practice is combined, as nothing works and no one knows why :)

   MONEY: can buy a house, but not a HOME. can buy a clock, but not TIME. can buy sex, but not LOVE. So pass me all ur $ n let me suffer 4 U

   im at A & E just a quick word of warning the dyson ball cleaner is not what you think it is `

   Secret to using the best approach when attempting to engage in conversation with me ... don't.

   In my dream, I was just about to have sex with Meagan Fox, but my alarm went off. You can say I got clock blocked.

   A guy walks into a bar with a toad on his head. The bartender says, "Jesus fella, what happened to you?" The toad says, "It all started with a wart on the ass!"

   Blake Shelton said he sits by Lady Gaga at Emmys. He hope she has on meat dress because he is hungry. Like the way he thinks.

   hey kids, come on and put your tin foil hats on so you wont get wet in this electrical storm

   Due to the ever changing musical landscape, we may never know who rocked the party that rocked your body.

   Wanted: Dyslexics to work 5 to 9.

   cleaning out his closet, I mean my loser friends that have real lives and never like my status!

   Right about now, Billy Crystal is waking up totally nude in a huge champagne glass somewhere.

   There is no such thing as a man being Inappropriately touched by a female !

   Whenever someone tells an old and tired joke, I alway feel the urge to ask them, "Have you been living under a rock for the past decade?"

   I wonder what would Meat Loaf do for a Klondike Bar?

   Los Angeles hasn't changed me. I still put on leather pants one leg at a time.

   ready for a football, family, food, and farts...Happy Thanksgiving!

   Happy Cyber Monday!! A/S/L?

   just ate 4 fiber bars today, been on the toilet for the past hour :/