Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   (to every zookeeper at every exhibit at the zoo).. ME: If that thing comes on to my lawn,, I'll shoot it

   The Asians haven't been this embarrassed since William Hung was singing "She Bangs, She Bangs"

   Am I the only one that thinks some of the Japanese players will be executed? #fifa

   That selfie of you perched upon the toilet intoxicated was truly charming. What finishing school did you attend, my delicate flower?

   Dr says my cholesterol count is so high that... I can't even say "cheese" when I get my picture taken.

   It usually goes like this. 1: wreck myself. 2: check myself

   Police officers say anything you say will be taken down and make be used as evidence .. your answer should always be please officer don't hit me again

   A verbal agreement is not worth the paper it's printed on.

   If everyday is a gift then today was socks...

   My legs have decided to take part in 'no shave November'... By the looks of things they started in September.

   My mother in-law is letting me renovate her kitchen. My wife told me to get the cupboards from that Scandinavian company with the short name. Turns out it was IKEA not LEGO,

   A friend is someone who'll stop whatever he's doing to bring a change of underwear to you at Tio Ricardo's Guadalajara Cantina after you attempted and won the Montezuma's Revenge 50 Lb. Burrito and Enchilda Challenge.

   How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

   Every time I go to Taco Bell I get diarrhea. Perhaps next time, I should get tacos.

   I'm a proud member of the LGBT community: Liquor, Guns, Bacon and T|t$.

   Are the dangerous parts of Italy called the Spaghetto?

   I told my wife I wanted a 72" TV, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a 72" TV.

   Does chewing on a slipper while having sex count as 'doggy style'?

   will Hurricane Matthew be followed by hurricanes Mark, Luke & John?

   Had one of those DNA test done. Turns out I'm related to Adam and Eve.