Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "The Force" is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away but can't tell he is kissing his own sister?

   The best thing about partaking in the secret santa at work means I can finally give one special lady the mustache trimmer she so desperately needs.

   Hey,,Just started reading "The Chubby Checker Story". No spoilers please,,,,,,, apparently there's a twist.

   Still confused why we use soap and water to remove food from our hands, but just dry paper to remove sh!t from our a$$holes

   Her: What did you buy me for my birthday? Him: You see that pink Mercedes over there? Her: Yessss??? Him: Well I brought you a toothbrush the same color.

   The best way to end an argument is to let your opponent scream out a statement and reply by throwing up your hands and saying, "That's exactly what I've been trying to tell you!" and then walking away.

   whoever decides when breakfast is over at McDonald's, F*CK YOU.

   now taking reservations for midnight kisses on Friday night. Sign up below.

   You know the times where you're laying on your back looking at your phone by lifting it in the air but lose your grip and hit yourself in the face?

   I sat down next to my wife and said, "You look so cute when you're concentrating." My wife said, "Will you f-ck off while I'm trying to take a sh*t."

   They should make Jack Daniels chap stick

   Lawsuit claims Taco Bell tacos only 35% real beef. I think I speak for all of us when I say wow that much?

   What if they read a list of everything you've ever typed into Google before entering Heaven...

   Realizes that the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.

   100 calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off.

   For Valentine's day, my husband didn't go to Jared. He went to work. I think that the steady paycheck says "I love you" much better than a shiny rock could.

   cuddling up with a good book and a cup of tea. Ah, who am I kidding....I'm looking at Hustler and having a beer,

   Random Dude: "Sup bro you think you could piss in this cup in that bathroom for me I gotta pass this drug test. I'll pay you $60" Me: "...ya..." That dudes screwed

   Pandora tells me what music I like, Netflix tells me what movies I like.. Refrigerator: Why are you such a slacker?!"

   If you are one of those people on Facebook that does the little "Questions about people?" apps... Before you post one on my wall... Do me a BIG favor... Look in the mirror and hit yourself in the head with a hammer one time for me... Thanks!!! /:)