Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The word bipartisan means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

   fc%ed up like a screen door on a submarine..

   Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language.

   Hey did everyone hear that Jeff reed tried to commit suicide? Pretty sad huh? Yeah... He tried to kick the stool out from under himself and missed...LOL!!

   TSA reports an huge increase in job applications submitted to the Miami office.

   The future of TSA, ma'am bend over, spread your cheeks, cough!

   My vacuum cleaner bag says to change every 30-60 days. Here, I always thought it was 30-60lbs...

   Mother Nature is blowing everyone tonight.

   you can easily geta smartphone these days but hard to find smart people.

   Just letting my mind wander since it won't stop and ask for directions.

   My parents were very patriotic disciplinarians: they laid stripes and I saw stars.

   Why are there so many words coming out of you in such a short period of time?

   found out they sell Universal Remotes at Wal*Mart... I cant believe power like that is available to just anyone! Crazy!

   I fell out of my chair. This might take a while!

   I almost forgot that I had cheated on my diet Then I found that darned crumb in my bra.

   I no longer fear hell -- I've worked in Retail.

   She didn't make me pay before she gave me service........... So I paid her in Trident Layers.........

   Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing....

   Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

   coming out of the closet. I was playing hide & seek.