Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just opened my wheelie bin and a wasp flew out. Now what kind of sick person would do that?

   Ecclesiastes assures us... that there is a time for every purpose under heaven. A time to laugh... and a time to weep. A time to mourn... and there is a time to dance.

   After all these episodes of "I survived" & "I shouldnt be alive"... why doesnt anyone keep any damn snacks in their pockets!

   There is an official UN appointee for First Contact should aliens arrive. I can't believe I didn't get that job.

   seriously, if your a guy and a friend of mine and I catch you wearing a European shoulder bag, I will slap you silly! You can thank me when you get out of that dress!

   They didn't break the mold after me, they just chained it up.

   I think It's funny that my mom has figured out how to tag me in pics he upload to Facebook but the clock on his VCR has been wrong since 1987.

   I thought I saw a two headed turtle once, but it turned out he was just having a sh!.

   Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!

   Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

   Just letting my mind wander since it won't stop and ask for directions.

   My parents were very patriotic disciplinarians: they laid stripes and I saw stars.

   Why are there so many words coming out of you in such a short period of time?

   found out they sell Universal Remotes at Wal*Mart... I cant believe power like that is available to just anyone! Crazy!

   I fell out of my chair. This might take a while!

   I almost forgot that I had cheated on my diet Then I found that darned crumb in my bra.

   I no longer fear hell -- I've worked in Retail.

   She didn't make me pay before she gave me service........... So I paid her in Trident Layers.........

   Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing....

   Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.