Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Constitution signed [X] Morons taking over and ruining it [X] ... We gotta fix this country.

   I just read that the Actor who plays Draco Malfoy in Harry Potter said he is going to become a rapper! .... can we all say Expecto Disapointmento!

   The next time I go to chruch.. I'm bringin my own wine and crackers!

   Respect your parents. They pay for your internet

   crap! woke up with a pulse! guess I'm gonna have to work now!

   So April 7th is National Beer Day... I want to get "speaking in cursive" drunk.

   While surfing for spring and summer fashions on the web, I found myself on the Victoria Secret page when my 13 year old boy-child entered the room. He made the comment, “Isn't that a site for hot girls?” To which I responded, “Go to your room.”

   You can call a girl cute or hot and it's basically the same thing... I have found this rule does not apply to babies.

   I always choose Pepsi over Coca-Cola because I prefer my soda dehyphenated.

   Famous Marilyn Monroe dress sold for $4.6 million. I bet Joe DiMaggio sent more shots against that dress than the wall at Yankee Stadium!

   like a good neighbor state farm is there...with winning lotto numbers

   went to the walk in clinic to find out why my willy was orange, the Dr. asked me "what do you do all day?" Well, I like to surf porn and eat cheetos.

   Sex can not ruin a friendship! Thats like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

   carrying a Coach purse, driving a few years old Lexus and paying for your food order with your Access card! I hope you get herpes. Meanwhile I will try and get by on unemployment you f'n baby factory.

   's tip of the day: Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away AND you have their shoes.

   I like poking dead things with a stick...kicking my neighbors cat...and yelling at nuns walking down the street..."you working or walking?"...let's see that on E-Harmony.

   TYPES OF SALARIES... Which one is yours? 1. Onion salary . You grab it, you open it, you cry ... 2. Storm salary . You don't know when its coming and when it is going 3. Menstrual salary . It comes once a month and lasts for only 3 days 4. Magic salary .

   war doesn't determine who's right . . . war determines who's left . . .

   With our lousy credit rating, next time we wanna buy a tank, Canada is gonna have to cosign.

   After I bang a chick, I draw a “#” on the her lower back. I call it an #asstag.