Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've bin so stressed lately I can't wait to get home and "bust a nut" and by "bust a nut" I mean I hope the wife bought pistachios!

   wonders why when I see a pregnant woman and her man I picture them having sex???

   thinks we will soon know if Al Gore still believes in cap and trade after divorce redistributes HIS wealth

   I am standing out in the wind with my pants down and letting the wind blow me! Don't Judge me!

   Today I didn't even have to use my A.K. / I got to say it was a good day.

   Santa better take me off the naughty list or I will black out the moon on Monday night.

   Any relationship before marriage is just training.

   I guess I just want you to know that I care about you enough to piss on your gums if your teeth ever catch on fire...

   My kid has A.D.D. and a couple of F's.

   Behind every successfull woman... is a man checking out at her ass!

   I know you, what's your name???

   Where do babies come from? Two teenagers and a six-pack

   Kitchen Tip: Black currants resemble mouse turds but have a subtly different flavor... Substitute freely for turds in any recipe. *Martha Stuart Little*

   Miley Cyrus puts the Ho in hottie

   The quickest way to a woman's heart, is through her rib cage.

   People with really bad attitudes should move to Colorado and Be Happy And Worry!

   I've got 66 problems and one of them is that I'm upside down

   When life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.

   "Dad what's an infinite loop?"..."Ask your mother."... "Mom what's an infinite loop?"... "Ask your father."... "Dad what's an infinite loop?"... "Ask your........

   I used to talk the talk and walk the walk until I met you; and now, I'm howling with the wolves like you.