Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BOP IT! TWIST IT! PULL IT! ..... And that's how I lost my pen1s.

   Santa knocked on my door yelling "Ho, Ho, Ho!" and I told him that your girlfriend doesn't live here.

   Can someone please update my Facebook status for me. I had ravioli for dinner.

   If Phil Collins doesn't sing 'Coming in the HAIR tonight' as he jizzes in a girl's face, then why is he even bothering to be Phil Collins?

   Tagged Photos-Rule #1: The hottest girl in the pic is the one not tagged.

   X What does a Cowboys fan do after his team wins A Play-Off Game?....He turns off Madden and goes to bed

   It is not appropriate to refer to Kwanzaa as "Blanukkah" or "Black Hanukkah". Please make the necessary corrections in your conversations.

   Went marchin' outside, singin' God Bless Merica. Saluted and yelled, "Remember Pearl Harbor. Suck it Japanland. These colors don't run."

   I live by the ocean. The west coast, to be more Pacific.

   I hate liars, hypocrites, & people who take advantage of people who care about them

   Out of respect to my friends in Boston, I won't say how bad I hate the Pats and how I pray an earthquake will occur causing the side of the field they're on to open up, they all fall in, and then snaps back shut.

   I smoke cigarettes so that people will walk up to me and talk about death.

   Sorry officer, Jesus took the wheel right after turning all this water into Budweiser

   Hey uk at least we know how to put on a opening ceremony. Sincerely china

   Snooki has her baby, and Mike Tyson takes a crap.. Scientists are baffled by the amazing similiarities of both results..

   Does Roseetta Stone work? I want to learn to speak Mexican!

   BREAKING NEWS: Biden rushed to the hospital after collapsing of a laught attack to the news of Obama win!

   Anything you can do I can do drunker.

   In the 50's things where better then they are today!...and oh yeah! you're an idiot

   When eating her from behind you know you're doing it correctly if her bhole pinches your nose closed.