Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head 
thinks the voices in his head need serious singing lessons (ever heard the Smurfs performing Enter Sandman?)
..is so poor, she can't even afford to window shop.
if you expect me stop dreaming...I'd give up. If you expect me to give up...I'd stop dreaming. ;-)
"We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love - first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage."
Can't wait for Valentines Day so I can get that pre-printed card, written by someone else, and a stale box of chocolates because Hallmark is telling him to do it! How romantic!
I've told you for the fifty-thousandth time, stop exagerating!
you aren't as good as the rest of em till you beat the best of em
the last thing you'll ever do is die..... It's true, just wait and see
How do I set my Lazer Printer to Stun?
thinks a religious war compares to 2 kids having an arguement who got the toughest imaginary friend
As I was listening to myself sneeze, I realized it sounds like "eh choo" not "ah choo" so maybe my sneeze is Canadian?
Riding through the aisles of Walmart on a scooter from the toy section wearing some Cookie Monster Tighty Whities, rainbow striped thigh high socks, wearing a construction hat and screaming FREE WILLIE while knocking over everything in site until loss pre
at the nail salon & a lady working there asked me something. I couldn't understand, so I asked my nail tech to tell her that. He turns and said to her, "She stupid, she no understand". thx a lot nail tech..no tip for you! ha
Sometimes I just gotta take a ride on the Dude Train
it takes six licks to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop! (with a slight crunch)
every time I utilize paper towels regardless of the brand I always compare them to the quicker picker upper..
~ Telepath wanted...you know where to apply.
puts the "fun" in dysfunctional
All castles had one major weakness. The enemy used to get in through the gift shop. 