Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   fixing something with WD-40 and a Craftsman wrench.

   When you think about it there aren't that many songs about rainbows.

   Make crime pay...become a lawyer.

   We just got a new toaster...And of course my impatient a$$ bf would try n stick a knife inside of it to get the bread out...

   Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

   People don't leave bad relationships, but they leave bad partners.

   saying sorry in advance for any overuse of "21 Questions" Facebook e-mail notifications. I'm just really curious to find out who thinks I have a cute butt

   selling all of his now soon to be worthless Apple Stock

   My generosity has such underlying desperation.

   In the absence of information, people make sh!t up. Worse, if they feel threatened, they make sh!t up that amplifies their worst fears.

   I think that gal Flo from the progressive insurance commercials is hot! The same goes for Dee Dee Doodle that smoking hot purple gal with the pink hair and big hands on doodlebops! Yea this abstinance thing I am on is working out great???!!!!

   why do people say things regarding you, without mentioning you, and pretending it has nothing to do with you

   When trying on pants, even the most vile curse words very rarely make the pants change their mind and fit comfortably.

   Ashton Kutcher to replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. Remaining cast and crew already planning their own "Torpedo of Truth" tour.

   Wife asked me what I wanted for Valentines, I pointed to my head and asked her to read my mind... That was the last thing I remember before I woke up on the floor... She is good!!

   I have spent the past 3 hours laying in my front yard, filling my belly button with water, and letting the birds use it as a bath.

   I tried bleaching my as shole but all he did was complain the whole time. "Are you insane?!" "I want a divorce!" Blah Blah.

   still can't smell what The Rock is cooking

   I'm a nice person really.....at least I smile when I tell you to F&*k off! :))

   The only decisions I like to make are at the liquor store.