Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   R.I.P Mandela excuse me while I take this selfie at your funeral---Obama

   Jesus had two dads and he seemed to turn on just fine.

   "insert clever remark here."

   There is nothing sadder in this life than to watch someone you love walk away after they have left you. To watch the distance between your two bodies expand until there is nothing left but empty space and silence

   about to beat my di@# like it owes me money.

   The only time a girl should Kneel down for a guy, is the day she ties her son's shoe-laces.

   Roman Catholic establishment has 1.2billion followers or as I like to call them, sheep.

   What is it with the color, black, that makes you think of hard-core violence?

   To translate Trump at the next debate,, the sign language specialist will just beat up a poor pregnant mexican woman .

   I may have Alzheimer’s, but at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s

   can’t wait to put “fully vaccinated” on my dating profiles like an adoptable dog.

   Oh shut up. You weren't even offended by the word deplorable until you looked it up.

   I started a new drinking game. I drink a shot everytime Trump tells the truth. I've been sober for 2 years now.

   Trump is trying to stop Yates from testifying because the only thing he hates more than strong women are strong women who tell the truth.

   I'm never going to marry a woman unless I'd be proud to have a daughter exactly like her.

   Christmas...-What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of your sock?

   ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeens, 4 friend requests, 3 I ignore, 2 annoying pokes and ME in need of happy hour!

   ┐('.'┐) ┐('.'┐) (┌'.')┌ ┐('.'┐) (┌'.')┌ (┌'.')┌ cus' this is thriller, thriller night.

   the fact that she loves anal is awesome...I just wish she'd layoff the hot peppers!

   Cat talking sh!t, girls gone, so the dogs and I are clearing the Living Room so we can have single elimination cage matches, winner gets to hit that pu55y...eeerrrr, cat!