Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Weed is Illegal” “Yeah, so is the music in your iPod.

   I once met a guy who wrecked himself. He was always bummed he hadn't checked himself first. So sad.

   Im kinda new to video games, how do I get these ghosts to stop following me

   James Gandolfini is dead and we have a new Kardashian. Athiests win....there is no god...

   Ask not what my pen*s can do for you... but what you can do for my pen*s.

   I don't give a crap about you, your, you're or there, their, they're. I'm only worried about tiddy, titty or tittie…

   Ain't no worse feeling than someone you love thinking and believing you did something you didn't even do.

   A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette and exploded. What in the hell do they put in butterflies?

   having a most excellent adventure with Bill and Ted

   I need to start speaking my mind because my tongue is starting to hurt from biting it!

   told by someone that swimming will get you in shape ......IF THAT IS THE CASE SOMEBODY EXPLAIN TO ME WHY WHALES ARE SO effin FAT !?!?

   1065 friends on facebook and not one of ya came to vist me.........so up yours

   Accidentally grabbing the glitter spray instead of the feminine deopdorant spray gives "disco stick" a whole new meaning.

   checking out your facebook albums hoping to see some bikini photos of your girlfriend.

   Sometimes I wish I was a bird, so that when times got tough I could just fly over certain people and sh*t on their heads!

   A guy preaching in town today said to me"Madam do you believe in the second coming?" I said "with my hushusbandband I'm lucky if I come once!" I'm lucky if

   In my house, we pray after we eat.

   Did I ever tell you about my roofer who came down with shingles?

   My status has a crush on someone.

   I once went 4 days with out a cell phone. So ya, Third World Countries, I get it now.