Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone is smoking a joint at a concert, and there isn't a nerd around to say they smell weed, did the joint ever get smoked at all?

   So Oscar Pistorius got 5 years. I knew he didn't have a leg to stand on.

   Proposal idea: Pack the ring inside your car's airbag and then crash into a wall.

   What the schnitzel is Duck Dynasty?

   I asked the librarian if they have any books on innuendos. "Yes, but it's a fairly large one, so you'll have to take it in the rear"

   When Rihanna first started singing she was like yee mista dj song pon de replay, now she's like f*ck me with a shovel and slap my ti%ties

   Someone stole my wife's credit card but I'm not reporting it because they're spending a lot less than she does.

   How to trick an idiot → (Click here for more...)

   Sometimes when I pee I whip it out a little to aggressively and the urinal is all like, "Woh, big fella."

   I guess Jesus was the first kid that got to celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas.

   "I wasn't that drunk" "Dude, you were arguing with yourself over the phone and got upset when you hung up."

   There are no "good people"....Only good bullsh*tters.

   garlic burps are sexy.

   When I think of terrorism, I think of lynchings, dogs, bombings, assassinations, slavery, chain gangs, Jim crow..not poor Afghans villagers

   Parents, you can help end childhood obesity by teaching your kids how to smoke cigarettes.

   being lazier right now than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.

   If you had to choose between your husband and winning the lottery… Which designer purse would you buy 1st?

   Adele looks like a charcoal briquette

   Finally figured out what twitter was today, the thing between the twaat and the sh*tter.

   Don't worry altar boys, I'm sure this new pope will be as admirable & honest as the last couple guys.