Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes when I pee I whip it out a little to aggressively and the urinal is all like, "Woh, big fella."

   I guess Jesus was the first kid that got to celebrate Hanukkah and Christmas.

   "I wasn't that drunk" "Dude, you were arguing with yourself over the phone and got upset when you hung up."

   There are no "good people"....Only good bullsh*tters.

   garlic burps are sexy.

   When I think of terrorism, I think of lynchings, dogs, bombings, assassinations, slavery, chain gangs, Jim crow..not poor Afghans villagers

   Parents, you can help end childhood obesity by teaching your kids how to smoke cigarettes.

   being lazier right now than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.

   If you had to choose between your husband and winning the lottery… Which designer purse would you buy 1st?

   Adele looks like a charcoal briquette

   Finally figured out what twitter was today, the thing between the twaat and the sh*tter.

   Don't worry altar boys, I'm sure this new pope will be as admirable & honest as the last couple guys.

   Conrad Bain (aka Mr. Drummond) has died. A family spokesperson said he suffered a series of small strokes, all of them a little different.

   Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel - instead of send.

   A thief broke into my house last night.... He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

   When I die, I want my friends to put a package of saltines in my coffin with a note saying "Best cracker out of the whole pack."

   YEAH!!! We should take guns from everyone now......we should also remove everyones teeth just in case to save face

   Weed is Illegal” “Yeah, so is the music in your iPod.

   I once met a guy who wrecked himself. He was always bummed he hadn't checked himself first. So sad.

   Im kinda new to video games, how do I get these ghosts to stop following me