Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Imac, i-pad, i-phone, i-pod, i-tab………. and finally i-bankrupt :(

   TThere is a difference between being "passionate" about your religious and political beliefs and being down-right "hateful." The former acquires respect. (...the latter gets unfriended.)

   Married with Children is the best comedy out there right now! 25 years on...when are Comedies going to be worth watching?

   Simon sure does look alot like Steven Tyler this year, huh?

   "Common sense..its in high demand... And short supply"

   A girl who only gives hand jobs is most likely the same b*tch who gives out apples on Halloween

   The easy way to teach a woman the true value of money is to borrow it from her.

   You know how you're in a rush to meet someone or be somewhere at a certain time and then they call you to find out where you are, you're so far away you lie and tell them you're somewhere like 10 min ahead of you

   Just remember if the world didnt suck, we'd all fall off

   Wonders what the 1st person that ate a pineapple was thinking... Hmmm that's a funny looking thing, I believe I'll eat it.

   being lazier right now than the guy who designed the Japanese flag.

   If you had to choose between your husband and winning the lottery… Which designer purse would you buy 1st?

   Adele looks like a charcoal briquette

   Finally figured out what twitter was today, the thing between the twaat and the sh*tter.

   Don't worry altar boys, I'm sure this new pope will be as admirable & honest as the last couple guys.

   Conrad Bain (aka Mr. Drummond) has died. A family spokesperson said he suffered a series of small strokes, all of them a little different.

   Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel - instead of send.

   A thief broke into my house last night.... He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

   When I die, I want my friends to put a package of saltines in my coffin with a note saying "Best cracker out of the whole pack."

   YEAH!!! We should take guns from everyone now......we should also remove everyones teeth just in case to save face