Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..believes so strongly in reincarnation that she's written a will and left everything to herself..

   I like to close my eyes when I'm kissing a girl...That way the pepper spray doesn't get into my eyes.

   I'm boycotting the next Nobel Prize award ceremony. Trump so deserved the award, but didn't win.

   I like how Movies will warn you "May not be suitable for all audiences". But what they really need is a "May not be suitable to watch with people who constantly ask questions about movies" rating.

   Loyal chicks are crazy, annoying, jealous, psycho & obsessive. But they make the best girlfriends, so y'all gotta deal with it.

   You ever wanted to post something but just didn't know what to say so you just didn't post anything

   Always look both ways before crossing a Trump supporter.

   Only a desperate behind the times can believe in polygamy.

   I will put my phone down when you put yours down....Ready set.....Wait Someone is calling

   Someone stole my Microsoft office and they're gonna pay , you have my word

   Tebow remains unsigned. God delays game once again.

   If someone is smoking a joint at a concert, and there isn't a nerd around to say they smell weed, did the joint ever get smoked at all?

   So Oscar Pistorius got 5 years. I knew he didn't have a leg to stand on.

   Proposal idea: Pack the ring inside your car's airbag and then crash into a wall.

   What the schnitzel is Duck Dynasty?

   I asked the librarian if they have any books on innuendos. "Yes, but it's a fairly large one, so you'll have to take it in the rear"

   When Rihanna first started singing she was like yee mista dj song pon de replay, now she's like f*ck me with a shovel and slap my ti%ties

   Someone stole my wife's credit card but I'm not reporting it because they're spending a lot less than she does.

   How to trick an idiot → (Click here for more...)

   Sometimes when I pee I whip it out a little to aggressively and the urinal is all like, "Woh, big fella."