Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to close my eyes when I'm kissing a girl...That way the pepper spray doesn't get into my eyes.

   I like how Movies will warn you "May not be suitable for all audiences". But what they really need is a "May not be suitable to watch with people who constantly ask questions about movies" rating.

   Loyal chicks are crazy, annoying, jealous, psycho & obsessive. But they make the best girlfriends, so y'all gotta deal with it.

   You ever wanted to post something but just didn't know what to say so you just didn't post anything

   Always look both ways before crossing a Trump supporter.

   Only a desperate behind the times can believe in polygamy.

   I will put my phone down when you put yours down....Ready set.....Wait Someone is calling

   Someone stole my Microsoft office and they're gonna pay , you have my word

   Tebow remains unsigned. God delays game once again.

   If someone is smoking a joint at a concert, and there isn't a nerd around to say they smell weed, did the joint ever get smoked at all?

   So Oscar Pistorius got 5 years. I knew he didn't have a leg to stand on.

   Proposal idea: Pack the ring inside your car's airbag and then crash into a wall.

   What the schnitzel is Duck Dynasty?

   I asked the librarian if they have any books on innuendos. "Yes, but it's a fairly large one, so you'll have to take it in the rear"

   When Rihanna first started singing she was like yee mista dj song pon de replay, now she's like f*ck me with a shovel and slap my ti%ties

   Someone stole my wife's credit card but I'm not reporting it because they're spending a lot less than she does.

   Just once on "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition", I'd like to hear someone in the family say, "This isn't quite what I had in mind

   When all else fails, just slap yourself in the face.

   I Rock, Therefore I Am. I'm Stoned, Therefore I Have the Munchies.

   wondering what name do atheists call out in bed?