Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I saw spiderman I would ask him to help me get 2 work fast, if I saw batman I would ask where he got all those cool toys, if I saw superman I would want help gettin my skateboard off the roof..if I saw wonderwoman I would ask "where's my sandwhich?"

   Wonder if Southern Belles say "I do declare" a lot when they're doing their taxes.

   I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping: I took my girlfriend into eight different pubs without getting a drink and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.

   putting up a new business in town; Zodiac Signs Tattoo Removal.

   I feel bad for people that don't drink, because when they get up in the morning that is as good as you are going to feel all day!!

   Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? I mean EVERY TIME! It's freakish and it can't really be safe.

   So many people speak for God like there are his personal couriers sent to deliver his message promising all sorts of goodies he has in store us.

   People accept that God exists & created the universe without evidence or proof but if you tell them Facebook is down they immediately check.

   I hate people that say "Only God can judge me"... No, I'm pretty sure I can judge you too. Climb down off your high horse where you belong Pocahontas!!

   Lesbians are boycotting Chick Fil A by eating Shushi ;)

   As of today, I've been married to my best friend for 10 amazing years. Love you, sweetie! Is she gone? OMG, you guys, I'm being smothered.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poetry, show me your t!ts

   The worst part about make up sex is when your girlfriend walks in and you have her lip stick in your butt.

   Mirror: “You look cute today”. Camera: “Lol, no”. Instagram filters: “I got chu”

   Somebody died last night, but I didn't, somebody didn't wake up this morning, but I did, I'm not lucky, I'm blessed

   "All I want for Chrithmath is my two front teeth.... " - Mike Tyson

   You remind me of my chinese friend... Ugg-lee

   im gonna take a hot shower its like a normal shower but with me in it

   I know I can't be the only one here hitting these ads by mistake trying to go to the next page.

   When you turn on a light and the bulb burns out it's because you suck and that bulb would rather kill itself than hang out with you.