Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate people that say "Only God can judge me"... No, I'm pretty sure I can judge you too. Climb down off your high horse where you belong Pocahontas!!

   Lesbians are boycotting Chick Fil A by eating Shushi ;)

   As of today, I've been married to my best friend for 10 amazing years. Love you, sweetie! Is she gone? OMG, you guys, I'm being smothered.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poetry, show me your t!ts

   The worst part about make up sex is when your girlfriend walks in and you have her lip stick in your butt.

   Mirror: “You look cute today”. Camera: “Lol, no”. Instagram filters: “I got chu”

   Somebody died last night, but I didn't, somebody didn't wake up this morning, but I did, I'm not lucky, I'm blessed

   "All I want for Chrithmath is my two front teeth.... " - Mike Tyson

   You remind me of my chinese friend... Ugg-lee

   im gonna take a hot shower its like a normal shower but with me in it

   I know I can't be the only one here hitting these ads by mistake trying to go to the next page.

   When you turn on a light and the bulb burns out it's because you suck and that bulb would rather kill itself than hang out with you.

   Want proof America's getting fatter?? I Almost ran out of gas waiting to make a right turn on a green light. Woman's ass took 5 minutes longer than she did to cross the street..

   Birdie, birdie, in the sky, why'd you do that in my eye? Looks like sugar, tastes like sap. OMG! IT'S BIRDIE CRAP!

   Wanna know why god invented the womens belly button? So you have a place to put your gum on the way down!

   £1|{3 0h m¥ 90Ð (4n ¥0µ $p34|{ 3n9£1$h

   My girlfriend forgot to flush the toilet after taking a really big sh1t. Bad move. "It won't fit" just isn't going to cut it as an excuse anymore.

   Can you imagine how much more work women could do Around the house with 4 arms..

   bamboozled

   OOPS ..there goes my kids all over your face !!