Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he's just going to use it for drugs and alcohol, and then I thought... That's what I'm going to use it for

   Due to the holiday my status will be closed... I Will reopen tomorrow at 8am. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused.. Enjoy your day people!!

   After several hours of intense negotiating at the car dealership, I'm happy to say that I'm the proud owner of a 30ft. inflatible Gorilla...Yeah baby.....

   You have six kids with six different fathers and you're on this online dating site looking for a honest and committed man with no kids...ok..good luck....

   I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?

   Sigh. Guess it's time to go do some grocery shopping. A mouse hung itself inside our fridge and left a note "can't live like this"

   A psycho and a teenage girl are walking thru dark scary woods..Teanage girls says"My I am very scared walking thru these woods" The psycho replies"How do you think I feel ? I have to walk back alone"

   wants to change out the sound of her car horn for gun fire. I mean, who has an urge to blow a trumpet when you get road rage anyhow?

   Wife asks her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor!"

   Thinks its funny when people read someone elses status & start to wonder if it has something to do with them.

   I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

   There are so many people looking for Bin Laden, I think they should also search for Joyce Dewitt from Three's Company. She vanished over 20 years ago. Not even TMZ seem to know where she is.

   You're one of those people who pushes when the door says pull aren't you?

   it's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now sounds a little better than, it's 1:15, I'm trashed & horny...

   hates leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

   just saw an ugly, pregnant woman and thought, "Good for you."

   Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

   I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

   I think once I get past the restraining orders and the court dates and the stalking charges....I really think this relationship can work!!!!

   Has always wondered why The Muppets had large protruding eyes. Then she realized that if she had a hand up her ass, her eyes would protrude too.