Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Turn to me for spiritual guidance, then turn away from me for doggy style.

   WebMD Says I have the hypochondria

   3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a someone who wont stop Inboxing meee...

   JUST ANNOUNCED: The Pope is resigning at the end of the month. Sounds a little Joe Paterno-ish to me.

   Your body should be a temple, not an amusement park.

   Dental Assistant aka The one who passes things to the dentist

   I'm a little disappointed that the Supreme Court proceedings this week didn't begin with,,,,, "Mawage.. Mawage is wot bwings us togever today."

   You're from Oslo? Norway!

   I knew I had a serious p orn addiction when I told the turkey to "take it b itch" as I rammed the stuffing in with a closed fist.

   The reason why it's so hard to understand Rachel Jeantel at the Zimmerman trial is not because she's uneducated, it's because she has multiple necks. So it just takes a lil longer for her words to travel.

   Since the Statue of Liberty was a gift from France, I'm surprised she didn't come with both arms raised....Have a Happy 4th of July!

   Bored??.. Text random numbers the following: The courthouse has your name in the newspaper for a failure to appear for jury duty this is the 24 hour number for you to check 714-319-7020. You're welcome! :)

   Hold your horses. It's hard realizing you're a horse and not a unicorn or a zebra. Console your horses. Tell them they're good enough.

   If you only see one movie this summer, I suggest seeing more. Movies are great.

   I'm not sure how people get eaten by sharks... I mean how do you not hear the music?

   When you see your girl out in public with another guy, one of yall 3 are supposed to die in that encounter.

   Ben Affleck is Batman. Hugh Jackman is Wolverine. Proves that comic books aren't gay, but movies are.

   Some mistakes only a mother can love.

   Free to good home: One useless black & white neutered female 9 year old cat. So useless has let 2 mice in this year alone. Doesn't even have to be a good home. Mediocre will do!!

   Women are easy to make happy. Just 1) Spend more than you make on them, 2) Tell her she's pretty, 3) Unfriend every girl you know (even your sister), 4) ignore every sport but cheerleading and 5) Smile while you rat hole money for when she divorces you...