Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gravity is a myth,earth sucks.

   If at 1st you don't succeed, being a magician that saws people in half might not be for you.

   I see Charlie Brown hittin' on Jessica Rabbitt, Transformers talkin dirty to Sailor Moon, Daria sxting Rainbow Brite, Woodpeckers and Woodys gettin buzz lightyeared, wtf .. I'm goin back 2 sleep

   wondering if a strap-on is considered an artificial limb?

   - Like Kermit says, "It isn't easy being Rob Green"

   the plastic things at the end of the shoelaces are called aglets and their real purpose is sinister

   if in 2012 the world does not end, the naked guy sticking his tongue out of the middle of the Mayan calander can lick my @$$.

   I'm on the best diet ever. It's called the "I'm too hungover to eat" diet.

   Don't focus on the one guy who hates you. You don't go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog s##t

   I want to be a bird. Not because I want the feeling of flight, but because I want to poop on people.

   I can't be your knight in shining armor.....but I DO have aluminum foil!

   Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

   The Stones are doing a farewell tour. Gonna miss Fred and Barney.

   Scientist have discovered an area on Mars that might have once contained life. Alien scientist have made the same discovery about the Gulf of Mexico.

   I was sat on the side of the bed last night pulling off my boxers... When the wife said to me, "Please don't do that to the dogs!"

   Whenever I see a girl in a glittery shirt I think to myself, "Ooh! What a sparkly nightmare of need."

   Women are just like Hurricanes, because when they come they're wet & wild! And when they leave they're taking the house and car!!!

   Being poor is never a reason to hate the rich. You can learn from them, wish & try to be like them, but envy means you have a rotten soul.

   I just read that Stevie Wonder is filing for divorce. Talk about getting blindsided!

   Why dont you ever see people standing on corners holding homeless signs when its raining out.....Cause them muther fckers are at home