Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had a toy drive yesterday. I ran over all the toys the brats next door left in my yard.

   The look on the cashiers face when a fat girl purchases leggings.

   Just doing my daily check here to see what to post.

   Just found out the results of my mammogram - I tested positive for having boobs

   Can you imagine watching Jersey Shore in Smell-O-Vision?

   Three fastest ways of communication: Tele-Phone, Tele-Vision & Tell-a-Woman.

   Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

   when Trump said "Obama wiretapped me," he didn't mean "Obama wiretapped me." Which part of Obama wiretapped me don't you people understand?

   My wife asked why I carry a gun in the house, I said Spies. She laughed, I laughed ,the microwave laughed .

   We lost our moon to Mars? This is so saddening.

   I hear tomorrow, Trump is going to plagiarize the Gettysburg address.

   Hey idiots, Donald said he's going to "cut Taxes" NOT "cut Texans"

   FOX News has the most embarrasing moments on TV EVER! Every time you think they're done embarresing themselves - WOW!

   The Land of the Free but don't exercise your freedoms because that's not patriotic.

   The right says Hillary Clinton is responsible for her husband. Why isn’t Melania Trump?

   "When we went to Mexico, he didn't even bring up the "wall" he choked!" -Hillary

   I m@sturbated so good last night, when I woke up this morning, my dik was cooking breakfast.

   unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, I ain’t chasing sh*t

   It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

   People need to stop hiding behind the cloak of religious dogma and simply focus on becoming a better person.