Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   religion? um, ha, no. i'm not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. 

   Does anyone know where I can get more Lite-Brite pegs?... I'm trying to finish my Will and Testament.

   Presidential Election 2012. Herman Cain Vs. Barack Obama Better known as Cain vs Unable.

   Attention womanizer! Myspace is the best place to hide your secret from your love ones!

   I bet people in jail don't use scented body wash...Cuz the last thing you want is some dude rolling up on you talking bout, "Sniff sniff...You smell like Cherry Fruit Passion".....

   When I die I want to be buried with my a$$ sticking out of the ground, not so they can kiss it, but so people have a place to park their bikes when they come to visit.

   Happy "Let's watch a bunch of idiots eat an ass-load of hot dogs on ESPN" day!!

   I have a buddy that is a vegetarian not because he loves animals but because he hates plants!!!

   The beat you hear outside the club sounds very similar to the sound a cat makes before throwing up.

   Jed Clampett needs to go shootin for some food again. Black Gold, Texas Tea.

   Life can be hard. Life can be fun. Life can be kind and life can be mean. Have the right attitude and life can be whatever you want it to be! Smile :)

   On a scale from 1 to Rebecca Black how is my singing?

   I'm not sure what I find more disturbing, my mum being so adamant that my sister's a lesbian, or my dad winking while he says, "She's not, son......Trust me!"

   It not such a big deal when an adult doesn't like you, but when a baby doesn't like you, it's devastating !

   if cows could fly, would they all migrate to India?

   I dream of the day that I can put my true strengths on my resume and these skills be appreciated. "So I see here you're a bird's eye shot with a rubberband and can nail a three pointer while spinning in an office chair. You Sir, are what we call hired!"

   of course it was in the last place I looked....why would I keep looking in another place after I found it?????

   i've seen more a$$ then a toilet seat

   out making changes in his life... leave a message and I'll get back to you. if I dont get back to you - your one of the changes

   NFL preseason games are like Cinemax porn. If you haven't seen the real thing in seven months, it gets the job done.