Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It not such a big deal when an adult doesn't like you, but when a baby doesn't like you, it's devastating !

   if cows could fly, would they all migrate to India?

   I dream of the day that I can put my true strengths on my resume and these skills be appreciated. "So I see here you're a bird's eye shot with a rubberband and can nail a three pointer while spinning in an office chair. You Sir, are what we call hired!"

   I'm not sure what I find more disturbing, my mum being so adamant that my sister's a lesbian, or my dad winking while he says, "She's not, son......Trust me!"

   of course it was in the last place I looked....why would I keep looking in another place after I found it?????

   i've seen more a$$ then a toilet seat

   Apple/Google store just came out with a new app called "Find My I-plane"

   RESEARCH: Tin foil hat club. Too much time on hands club. Lives in parents basement club.

   If you can listen to Dire Straits "Sultans of Swing" and not play the air guitar, then you my friend have no soul!

   I thought I was wrong once but I was mistaken.

   If I were a QB in the NFL, I'd throw the ball as far as I can on every play... And do lots of hip thrusts... And wear my cup on the outside.

   I've finally found Jesus. My turn to hide.

   Apparently a guy in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So...41 is the limit fellas.

   I hate it when you are in the bathroom and there is no toilet paper and you have to ask the person in the stall next to you to come over and wipe for you.

   Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

   Just kicked a "the book was better" dude square in the nuts.

   Blue jeans are illegal in North Korea because they are a symbol of American imperialism.

   How come a regular order of fries is now about 6 potatoes but a ketchup packet still only holds 1/100oz??

   Lawyer: (n.) One skilled in circumvention of the law.

   Every Colt grows up to be a Bronco