Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apple/Google store just came out with a new app called "Find My I-plane"

   RESEARCH: Tin foil hat club. Too much time on hands club. Lives in parents basement club.

   If you can listen to Dire Straits "Sultans of Swing" and not play the air guitar, then you my friend have no soul!

   I thought I was wrong once but I was mistaken.

   If I were a QB in the NFL, I'd throw the ball as far as I can on every play... And do lots of hip thrusts... And wear my cup on the outside.

   I've finally found Jesus. My turn to hide.

   Apparently a guy in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So...41 is the limit fellas.

   I hate it when you are in the bathroom and there is no toilet paper and you have to ask the person in the stall next to you to come over and wipe for you.

   Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

   Just kicked a "the book was better" dude square in the nuts.

   Blue jeans are illegal in North Korea because they are a symbol of American imperialism.

   How come a regular order of fries is now about 6 potatoes but a ketchup packet still only holds 1/100oz??

   Lawyer: (n.) One skilled in circumvention of the law.

   Every Colt grows up to be a Bronco

   alone with my thoughts and 8 lbs of reeses cups and kit kats

   I called the Atheist Dial-A-Prayer line. No one answered.

   I guess properly inflated balls really do make a difference. Who knew?

   Americans, fear not. If Donald Trump wins the upcoming U.S. election, Cape Breton Island is ready to welcome Americans looking for refuge in Canada.

   The least I should get for paying all that money into 0bamacare, is a monthly update and photo of the person I'm sponsoring.

   My biggest spiritual accomplishment is that I'm voting for Bernie but am still capable of talking to a Hillary supporter like a human being.