Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hmmmmm,, You walk to the back of the dry cleaner's,,,,, and it's just a bunch of cats licking your shirts.

   Whoever let women in the army, I salute you. Women on their period, with a gun... Unstoppable!

   Romney or Obama....Romney or Obama. I'm just now getting the chance to vote. I LOVE living in Florida.

   . Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. ; )

   You think Zelda would be a lot more "appreciative" of Link for saving her. The boy went through like 7 dungeons & caves, at least give him the sex he deserves.

   Rule number five... Show no love. Love will get you killed.

   Some People are Morning People, I am a Never People. *

   If I start babbling its the Nyquil....if I start a bonfire at 3am it's the vodka

   Useing the bathroom in Taco Bell, an the guy in the stall next to me has some bad diarrhea, stank'in up the place...I almost couldn't eat my last super burrito!

   So I think Cris Christie and Obama driving around to look at bridges is O.K.,,, but when do they start solving crimes?

   Buying a ugly fat chick a purity ring is like putting a fence around a dog with no legs

   Fun Fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, "Marco" and then an even fainter, "Polo."

   Studies show fewer Democrats vote when it rains on Election Day. I guess they don't want the stuff in their shopping cart to get wet.

   You're not invited to the party in my pants because you don't know the difference between your and you're.

   It makes sense that Cain can't recognize these women, since at the time he was pushing their heads down to his crotch.

   I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say, “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

   Gender is like the Twin Towers. There used to be two of them but now it is a very sensitive subject.

   Nancy Grace TONIGHT: George Zimmerman's secret plot to kill the Royal Baby.

   After all these years of jacking off a hand job from a girl just doesn't cut it. I need a dry rough man hand to get the job done.

   What do you call a woman that doesn't make me a sandwich? An ambulance.