Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I start babbling its the Nyquil....if I start a bonfire at 3am it's the vodka

   Useing the bathroom in Taco Bell, an the guy in the stall next to me has some bad diarrhea, stank'in up the place...I almost couldn't eat my last super burrito!

   So I think Cris Christie and Obama driving around to look at bridges is O.K.,,, but when do they start solving crimes?

   Buying a ugly fat chick a purity ring is like putting a fence around a dog with no legs

   Fun Fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, "Marco" and then an even fainter, "Polo."

   Studies show fewer Democrats vote when it rains on Election Day. I guess they don't want the stuff in their shopping cart to get wet.

   You're not invited to the party in my pants because you don't know the difference between your and you're.

   It makes sense that Cain can't recognize these women, since at the time he was pushing their heads down to his crotch.

   I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say, “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

   Gender is like the Twin Towers. There used to be two of them but now it is a very sensitive subject.

   Nancy Grace TONIGHT: George Zimmerman's secret plot to kill the Royal Baby.

   After all these years of jacking off a hand job from a girl just doesn't cut it. I need a dry rough man hand to get the job done.

   What do you call a woman that doesn't make me a sandwich? An ambulance.

   "The term CRACKER offendes me" - nobody.

   cooler then the other side of the pillow

   US troops went to Africa and built them houses and schools and then brought them food. The Africans smiled and said thanks for being the greatest country in the world.

   Nobody lives forever, but especially not that homeless person I just ran over.

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, thew shaking icons make me feel like they're all panicked over who's getting axed

   yo momma is so stupid..she placed a paper ontop of the t.v. and thought she was watchin paperview

   I don't always drink coffee, but when I do I drink Starbucks Pumkin spiced latte. Stay caffienated my friends.