Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Only my life matters." -Donald Trump

   The bipolar emoticon —> :):

   if it were black girls the show would be called 12 and pregnant.

   Marriage is probably the most sincere way to tell somebody, "I want to smell every dump you take for the rest of your life."

   from the moment I saw u, I wanted 2b inside u, The way you smell, The way ur tongue feels, The way you tighten n loosen.....mmmm new shoes

   thinks that if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single"

   A "Sarah Palindrome" is a sentence that reads forwards, but sounds backwards.

   ..... 84-yr-old Hugh Hefner engaged to 23-yr-old Playmate. He proposed to her on X-mas which is appropriate since he's the same age as Jesus!

   Fish can drownd if you pull them backwards in the water. Your welcome.

   WARNING!! As of today - Facebook will automatically start dragging Earth into the Sun. To change this option, go to Settings > Planetary Settings > Trajectory then UNCLICK the box that says ' Apocalypse.' Facebook kept this one quite.

   How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her.

   I am risen today too... if it lasts for more than 4 hours, I need to go to the ER though.

   Love is in the air...and i'm wearing a gas mask.

   DOES TRUMP ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING besides watch TV, play golf and tweet?

   Atheists - 2 Harold Camping - 0

   Hey! It's called facebook, a social networking site, NOT faithbook, a cram your religious beliefs down my throat site. Hiding!

   Religion is a crutch for weak-minded people who can't accept reality

   Am I being picky when I say "Please leave 'Christ' in Christmas"? I know it's a little thing, but, by writing 'X-mas' it seems to me that we are taking out the whole reason we even celebrate this holiday just to save a few key strokes . Just my opinion of

   The bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range

   gunna dress up as kanye west for halloween and go around telling people " ima letchu get back to trick or treatin in a minute but, barrack obamas daughters have the best halloween costumes of all time, of all time!!!"