Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the weapon of choice.

   If you add me as your friend and I ignore you.....Do move on it's just facebook. Don't change your name and profile picture and add me again! The request will still be ignored! I still know it's you!

   the pill the second best thing a girl can put in her mouth to avoid pregnecy....

   Tried to order at McDonald's today, couldn't understand her. So I started poking her forehead with my finger, I was trying to push 1 for English.

   If a person keeps they cereal in fridge they grew up wit roaches

   "Only my life matters." -Donald Trump

   Business Plan: 1. Make a "FREE HUGS!" sign. 2. During the hug, whisper, "But it's $50 to let go." 3. Gently press a knife into their side.

   Facebook (FB) + Instagram (I) = FBI............."They" are watching you.

   The bipolar emoticon —> :):

   if it were black girls the show would be called 12 and pregnant.

   Marriage is probably the most sincere way to tell somebody, "I want to smell every dump you take for the rest of your life."

   Fish can drownd if you pull them backwards in the water. Your welcome.

   WARNING!! As of today - Facebook will automatically start dragging Earth into the Sun. To change this option, go to Settings > Planetary Settings > Trajectory then UNCLICK the box that says ' Apocalypse.' Facebook kept this one quite.

   Love is in the air...and i'm wearing a gas mask.

   How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her.

   I am risen today too... if it lasts for more than 4 hours, I need to go to the ER though.

   from the moment I saw u, I wanted 2b inside u, The way you smell, The way ur tongue feels, The way you tighten n loosen.....mmmm new shoes

   thinks that if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single"

   A "Sarah Palindrome" is a sentence that reads forwards, but sounds backwards.

   ..... 84-yr-old Hugh Hefner engaged to 23-yr-old Playmate. He proposed to her on X-mas which is appropriate since he's the same age as Jesus!