Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're going to slow down on the freeway whenever you see a cop, try not having the "I have a heroin condom in my butt" look on your face

   Ever wonder why the side of the car says" to protect and serve"????? Protect the donuts and serve the coffee................

   Yes,, I'm just posting for the sake of posting.. I'm sorry that my posts aren't curing cancer like yours are.

   Newt Gingrich bows out of Presidential race to focus on being the world's largest high-fructose corn syrup storage silo.

   May the 4th be with you. To celebrate I just put a C-3PO action figure in my bum.

   So if a naked chick does a full split on the ground should you consult the 5 second rule on whether you should eat it or not?

   We have a very small hen house door,,,So you've probably guessed already...Sorry,, no fat chicks

   I wonder how people would react if I walked into Sea World with a fishing pole.

   Girls who are shaped like hot pockets have no business taking full body pictures.

   Only users lose drugs!

   Ladies: If he is only interested in your breasts, legs and thighs send him to KFC. Don't be his value meal.

   My sleep number is 2...bong rips

   I wonder if Stevie Wonder knows he's black?

   Dear Facebook: You keep offering up people for me to "friend", but then you get all concerned and ask me how I know them. You can't be the pimp and the cop!

   Claiming my heart back, wrapping it up in aluminum foil and putting it back in the freezer. You dig?

   What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye patch,,,,,,,,,NAMES

   Wanna hear a joke? WNBA

   The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli...

   My neighbor's kids are named Maximus and Commodus. Either the couple is Greek, or they smoke ALOT of Crack.

   logged into your facebook account and sending friend requests to transexuals