Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I saw a guy on a motorbike wipe out. Thank goodness I was there... or I wouldn't have been able to steal his wallet.

   Like if you always wonder why people in cartoons never change their clothes.

   God says the we should be humble, it good to know I am doing right, because I am more humble than anyone else I know, I am probably the humble person there is.

   Today marks the day of the 100th birthday of a true American icon...Lucille Ball. To many generations she has brought us laughs and enjoyment with her quirky dilemmas. Still to this day she brings laughter all over the world episode after episode of I Lov

   Last night I was two women shy of having a threesome...

   Friday's smell like vodka

   anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart.

   Sometimes I just look at a person and think seriously,that's the sperm that won the race.

   The day after a big turkey dinner I always have fowl smelling farts.

   Sorry to the USA womens hockey team...SO sorry for being so awesome!

   I just went to print out last nights Powerball numbers to see if I won.... and it printed me a coupon for ramen noodles.

   I don't need a president in charge of my gall bladder...

   Canada: "hey America, catch!"... *throws Justin Bieber at US*..."No give backs"... *Canada runs away giggling*

   I hope the black guys lose

   How the heck can people get so excited over a game that can end in a tie? Is it gratifying when you're kissing your sister as well?

   I accidentally stepped on this kid at the store all was well till I learnt his parents were called Lafonzo and Shaniqua

   Since we're not allowed to talk about gun control right after mass shootings, having them happen back-to-back is a real time-saver...

   I bet the guy that named the fireplace also named the hot air balloon.

   lam - where sex with a goat makes sense but eating a pig doesn't.

   On her knees with a nice scalp of hair is how I like seeing your girlfriend while you're away at work.