Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd pay good money to see Flo from Progressive hook up with the mayhem guy from Allstate.

   Women think it's reasonable to turn you down for sex and get mad when you JO. Save yourself some time and stop trying to figure her out.

   the ham is melting, the turkey is suspended in midair, the salami is hatching from its own egg. why did we even come to the salvidor deli

   A bunch of empty beer cans is called calling in sick tomorrow.

   The only bad beer is an unopened one.

   [on a first date]... Me: So do you like puppies?... Her: Oh I love them... Me: Ok, so we'll both have the puppies... Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

   We live in a world where trained cops can panic and act on impulse but untrained civilians must remain calm with a gun in their face.

   Hi, this is your president, Donald Trump. I'm interrupting this program because I think it's a stupid show. It's terrible ok? You're fat by the way.

   “Can someone call my daughter and find out if I should bomb Syria? She's very beautiful, you know."

   Rocket Man & Dotard meet in Nambia to avoid another bowling green massacre, Obama tapes the entire thing via microwave.

   Someone told me to check my White Privilege. I looked and said "Yep. Got it right here."

   The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

   that March 20th inauguration happening? Anybody know? Anybody? I don't want to miss it again.

   Im going to get some crayons and puppets and teach you snowflakes how to vote so yo dont have to cry again in 4 years

   If they can't afford an extra $500 a year or $41 a month they shouldn't be buying a house. I guess another bailout like in 2013 of the FHA is more preferable. Taxpayers dont want to buy you another house which you will most likely default on.

   children today have no idea what a game-changer smart phones and internet are. When I was a kid it was almost impossible to find nude photos of the First Lady.

   I discovered a new hidden talent, making women cry.

   I live in South Africa & you do not find elephants on the street

   Man am I tired, it's time to pretend I'm an air traffic controler...

   Arriving to an event in a Hummer limo is a great way to let everyone know you have herpes.