Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I peed on your baby, but in my defense he started it.

   I haven't had a complete stranger high five or wave at me in a really long time. Time to put on a Nutella costume and walk through the Mall again.

   I like my woman like my beer. Silent.

   No women in their soccer team. Typical Iran.

   Maybe cigarettes don't give you cancer. Maybe it's the jean jackets and sunglasses. We just don't know.

   I don't have buns but if your anaconda wants crippling daddy issues coupled with intense emotional damage I'm definitely your girl.

   Over a thousand people die in Africa because of Ebola they get 10minute news coverage , one Australian is suspected to have Ebola gets hours of news coverage

   i wish fake was a color so I could paint you properly...

   I'd pay good money to see Flo from Progressive hook up with the mayhem guy from Allstate.

   Women think it's reasonable to turn you down for sex and get mad when you JO. Save yourself some time and stop trying to figure her out.

   the ham is melting, the turkey is suspended in midair, the salami is hatching from its own egg. why did we even come to the salvidor deli

   A bunch of empty beer cans is called calling in sick tomorrow.

   The only bad beer is an unopened one.

   [on a first date]... Me: So do you like puppies?... Her: Oh I love them... Me: Ok, so we'll both have the puppies... Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

   We live in a world where trained cops can panic and act on impulse but untrained civilians must remain calm with a gun in their face.

   Hi, this is your president, Donald Trump. I'm interrupting this program because I think it's a stupid show. It's terrible ok? You're fat by the way.

   “Can someone call my daughter and find out if I should bomb Syria? She's very beautiful, you know."

   Rocket Man & Dotard meet in Nambia to avoid another bowling green massacre, Obama tapes the entire thing via microwave.

   Someone told me to check my White Privilege. I looked and said "Yep. Got it right here."

   The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.