Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   someone needs to tell Wyclef he can come back now

   (1620).. We Indians will bury the hatchet and teach you to farm...*Pilgrims huddle* It's a ruse,, this soil looks awful for growing hatchets.

   The Dallas Cowboys finally made it through a Sunday without losing.

   [At the zoo] Llama spits in my face,, I spit in llamas face,, Llama slaps me,, I grab llamas hair,, Scuffle ensues,, Llamas girlfriend shouts "leave it Gary!"

   Steve Harvey got high with Colombians and made a mistakes.

   know what my New Year's resolution is going to be. But I'm not going to share it in case I fail so I won't be held accoutable by anyone but me.

   I love lesbians... Only when they let me

   Hey 2015... Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, you Dirty Mother Fucker!!!

   When I'm staring at you while you're talking I'm like, "What an a-sss!"

   Martin Sheen would be the best President, let's all vote him in.

   I wonder if my cat thinks I'm cleaning my ice cream?

   Put down my club? Oh, you meant vote?........I thought Bernie wanted a Revolution?

   FACT: A baby is basically just a meatloaf that can look around a bit

   Then stop blaming all gun owners for the actions of one.

   Come on people I don't think we are ready for a woman president!! I can't believe no ones asking her the important questions like can she cook!!!

   You may notice white girls wearing black armbands today. As all things pumpkin spice are replaced by all things peppermint.

   If I’m such a great guy who is all these nice things you say and a guy who any woman would want and lucky to have, why then are you friend-zoning me, Stacey?

   [My son giving the eulogy at my funeral] My dad once told me.. *he pauses to wipe away tears.. the world is gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed....

   In The News: Supreme leader Comrade Kim Jong-un,. Reprimands: Jang Song Thaek, vice chairman of North Korea's highest decision-making body... "When I said to Nuke the Chinese, I meant for you to put the Kung Pao Chicken in the microwave".

   Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect. ANYTHING!