Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   im not sure if I'm hungry but I'm gonna eat anyway just in case

   I want to move to Colorado that way this be a legal "Wake-N-Bake"

   Well I'm planning to do something tomorrow, as long as I have totally finished doing nothing from today. I really like being completely done with nothing which really says something about my dedication to nothing.

   I love intelligent women with high I.Q.s, but man it sure makes keeping track f the lies a pain in the ass..!

   Now why would I possibly want to "Follow" your Spanish only speaking Twitter account? Oh look at that, Ginormous huge ti tty selfies? *Now FOLLOWING Tetas Gigantescas

   Did you hear that? Busta Rhymes is the best corner in the game. Don't you dare put him up against Crabtree.

   I use Google Earth to see which yards have milkshakes.

   Why is it that everytime there is a snowstorm, New Yorkers act like it's the worst storm ever? It's been snowing and storming for millions of years. Get over it. We deal with it all the time up here!

   USA is a heavy favorite to take gold in Team Trwerking at the Olympics.

   Stop pretending like you don't wanna hug

   It is just a fact that some people are not comedians no matter how hard they try

   Looking for a girl who goes down as quickly as my phone battery...

   Why can't bakers count?

   Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

   Maybe her drawn eyebrows are all she has left.

   On Canada Day you are allowed to kiss a beaver; and Parks Canada can't do nothing about it ... it's in the constitution.

   You know youre getting older when your back goes out more than you do

   wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing monkey? me hanging a tire swing in the kitchen: not a clue.

   Five Secrets of Successful People: 1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets

   someone needs to tell Wyclef he can come back now