Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice

   Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.

   Next time a telemarketer calls, hit 'em with an "I love you" right off the bat. Just keep saying it, no matter what they say

   I don't know what "Swagger" is but I know Justin Bieber and lil wayne both claim to have it so I'm assuming it's not talent.

   I don't know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.

   Silence is the best answer to a stupid question.

   If Sesame Street really cared about children,,, they'd realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.

   The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered shît without pickles in it.

   I'm just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson's to take his family members to the vets and get them microchipped.

   Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't.

   I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.

   Don't be ashamed of who you are, that's your parents job.

   A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.

   Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.

   You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.

   Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

   Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.

   INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job? ME: Because once they fire you they won't let you stay.

   My Facebook movie is okay, but the book was better.

   The pity train has derailed at the intersection of “suck it up” and “move on” and has crashed into “I don't give a damn”. So sorry ….