Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   will be hunting for caterpillars so I can skin them and make me a nice striped furry coat

   Surprised to hear Chris Brown had released a single ft. Justin Bieber. I thought Chris was legally obliged to stay 100ft away from women

   Hi remember me? I'm the guy you never bothered to say goodbye to you self-conceited b!tch. .

   "This is for the time you peed on me. And this is for waking up so early. And this is..." - me, eating my kids Easter candy while they sleep

   If you had a terrible childhood,,, you're gonna be REALLY-bummed out by Bank of America's options for security questions.

   GIVE ME A BEET! ~ Hip hop Chef

   Can you be addicted to chaos? Date a Ginger and you'll understand

   The world world be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes

   My girlfriend is pregnant but I have never slept with her. When I asked her how come, she told me some lame story about Joseph & Mary.

   I wouldn't have to manage my anger if people would manage their stupidity.

   Whale watching outside of McDonalds.

   Mondays are Sunday's poop.

   I've never liked race related jokes, probably because I wasn't much of a runner

   floods, check...earthquake, check...hurricane...check, Locusts..where are those damn locusts?

   It sucks when you have to much month left at the end of your money

   sitting at work prairie doggin' because I don't want to use the company bathroom. I hope I can hold this in for another 5 hours.

   I am not really scared that the world will end on 12/21/2012...I"m just scared of what crazy things people will do on that day.

   I am not allowed to talk to strange punctuations

   Internet Issues: Open a new tab & forget why.

   I need audio of crickets chirping on my phone so I can play after someone I don't like says a bad joke.