Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We have 187 friends in common and I still have no idea who you are...

   Oh crap... you said laser tag? I thought it was taser tag. Well hopefully that kid wakes up soon... sorry about that.

   im gonna be late for work tomorrow!!! if they ask why I'm late.. I'll tell them... last night I realized that my family was a priority. so I woke up them up and we chilled.

   It takes many nails to build a crib, but just one screw to fill it.

   My wife said I have to stop watching Chopped after I packed our son's lunchbox with wild ostrich, candy corn, avocado & rainbow chard.

   So what your saying Chick-Fil-A, you will not be sponsoring Men's Olympic Racewalking.

   There's a difference between leaving her unsatisfied and hungry for more.

   apparently just having one of those days....tonight is definitely going to be sponsored by Coors light!!

   How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower? Give the woman a shovel

   I asked her out and she said yes, but sadly I ended up going on a date with her expectations.

   Do I look fat in this? Could you just shut up while I'm having sex with you.

   I don't want a girlfriend because the only thing worse than being lonely is sharing food.

   "Oh, you're gonna eat the peach cobbler first??,, huh fatty??,,,,, You sicken me." - Mean Cuisine

   My wife said no sex tonight. End of discussion. Period.

   Wearing crocs to protect your virginity.

   Why does paper beat rock? if you hold a paper in front of your face and I throw a rock at it who wins?

   Cleaning out my closet while listening to "Cleanin' out my closet" Priceless.

   I have many talents… For example: Sleeping…and Eating…and damn Drinking!

   Why is everyone so down on Manti Te'o? When you get right down to it...all relationships are imaginary.

   it just me or does everyone look into a mirror and then look for the "Like" button.