Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish there were no women football announcers. Isn't there a badminton channel they can get a gig with?

   Secret Service laptop with highly sensitive information on it has been stolen, Kellyanne Conway blames her microwave.

   BREAKING: Vladimir Putin gives Devin Nunes an 'attaboy.'

   The season is upon us and I personally enjoy a nice port wine for dessert. However sometimes a starboard wine is the right choice.

   LADIES.. ! Please stop asking Santa for the perfect man..I've been kidnapped 3 times this week !!

   I’ve assigned genders to lollipops to make absolutely everyone uncomfortable

   I'm on hold with my bank and the recording says "Did you know you can access our website 24 hours a day?" No, I had no idea. I thought your website went "off the air" at midnight like a 70's TV station...

   A-Rod, Kobe and Tiger ... perhaps the three most arrogant athletes of our time ... all had pretty bad Fridays.

   Watching that episode where Scooby Doo takes a dump on the kitchen floor and Shaggy beats him mercilessly with an old newspaper...

   I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know... look around, listen to the radio.

   Umm why the f^ck would I take care of myself? I’ll never be able to retire. Dying young is my only option.

   There's more to Alcohol than life!!!

   I love you so much I'll eat this pizza to prove it.

   My Ex-Wife once asked me to name a star after her...Fugly-McWh0re-B!t ch is the brightest star in the sky!!!

   From the moment I saw you, I wanted 2 be inside You, The way you smell, The way your tongue feels, The way you tighten n loosen.....Gotta love new sneakers.

   My wife said I have to stop watching Chopped after I packed our son's lunchbox with wild ostrich, candy corn, avocado & rainbow chard.

   So what your saying Chick-Fil-A, you will not be sponsoring Men's Olympic Racewalking.

   There's a difference between leaving her unsatisfied and hungry for more.

   apparently just having one of those days....tonight is definitely going to be sponsored by Coors light!!

   How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower? Give the woman a shovel