Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   @flinnie....apparently you think you are the only one that follows stephen colbert on twitter...your not...be original

   If a zombie apocalypse ever happens, we all better hope people who can do parkour don't get infected.

   The Feeling You Get When You're Paying For Something And Can't Find Your Money...

   If life is a highway, that totally explains my inability to merge on to it.

   I would love to meet "Wasn't me" and "I didn't do it". They need to be grounded or spanked for causing a lot of trouble here.

   I still don't like it when the cat brings back dead mice and voles, but at least at this time of year they act like cute little hand warmers as I clear them away!

   Right now what Lindsay Lohan needs more than anything is our caring and understanding. And just a little bit of cocaine if possible.

   Just bought the entire Yoko Ono collection on Itunes. I got the Itunes receipt and they credited me 1,000,000,000 free songs.

   why does my phone always break right about the time I teach my t9 dictionary all the important cuss words? Duck you Verizon. And econ you to hell.

   If you can stay up all night and hoot with the owls then you can get your a$$ up and soar with tthe eagles in the morning

   No wonder my cigar tastes funny... its just a really old hotdog

   In Ashton Kutcher's defense, Demi Moore only lets him read the comic books Bruce Willis left at the house.

   And I damn sure don't wait until all the numbers on the calendar match to pray.

   God must love stupid people. He made so many.

   Okay before you kill me, can I at least pull my underwear out of my crack? A man has to go comfortable.

   I don't know whether to like or hate Baddie. Dude can be so mean sometimes.

   Realizing that most human behavior can be related to that of the spermatozoa in which they came from. Everyone has to be first, in front, next in line. Look folks, you made it to the egg first, you're here now, just f***ing relax already!

   Just noticed a sign on a pub door saying Guide Dogs Only. Possibly the most niche pub ever.

   If you come into my office smelling like sweet and sour chicken, there's a 33% chance I will lick you if these HR complaints are accurate.

   Every time I consider being healthy, I remember pizza.