Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Waiter, how do you prepare your lobsters?" "Nothing special. We just them straight out that they are going to die."

   It finally happened. Dogs are getting in on the gender neutrality thing. While I was walking my dog this morning, she lifted her leg to whiz on a tree.

   If NFL players wanted free speech, then why don't they protest the fines they pay for end zone celebrations?! Hypocrites!

   I'm more excited than a long line of f@t ladies in the grocery store express lane that have their arms filled with Halo Top Diet Ice Cream on a buy one get one free special.

   My wife says I am paranoid.. of course that's what I'd expect an undercover CIA agent to say..

   I deactivated my automatic spell checker on Facebook. Who I really didn't know in real life anyways.

   How many dads do you think have their hands on their hips looking at the rain saying "We really needed this"?

   The good old days are in the past, yet the memories are alive in the present.

   The eyes are the window to the soul. The mouth is the window to the esophagus. (Sorry. I'm anticipating Thanksgiving dinner.)

   Random friend: Wow...how do you have so many friends on Facebook? Me: I'm a fricking train wreck and people like to watch.

   There are three sides to every argument: Your side, the other person's side, and the correct side.

   Some would call me a "Foodie", but that definition is too refined. I'm more along the lines of a glutton.

   If your ever wondering which baseball player has the shortest commute to work, it's the catcher who only works from home.

   If you ever wondering why Vincent van Gogh was such a good friend, He was willing to lend an ear.

   I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

   Even I'm not dumb enough to believe Twitter crashed itself in order to protect people.

   Due to all that's happened so far this year, I have no choice but to deduct 2 stars from my original TripAdvisor review of Earth

   Who am I sad passed away? Anwer: Alex Trebek.

   I just saved hundreds of dollars on my car insurance by leaving the scene of an accident!

   Hates when vegans say, “nice to meat you,” instead of, “nice to plant you.”