Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder what some of the chants will be at the DC science march today? "What do we want? GRADUATED CYLINDERS When do we want them? NOW!"

   The number 5 is pronounced "ha" in thai so 555 is slang for "hahaha"

   No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening

   If you're not blowing chunks of wedding cake out of your nose for 3 days after the wedding, ,, are you even technically married?

   Parents, your kids are growing up "too" fast, not to fast...

   Chain letters via FB inbox, is a great way to promote viruses, not awareness for prostate cancer..... Stop Inbox Chain letters!!

   You can not use the 5 second rule when you drop a hotdog on the floor if you have a 3 second dog.

   Florida officials are telling people to stop shooting their guns at hurricane irma, and it would not make the hurricane go back. How did humanity become this dumb?

   "Waiter, how do you prepare your lobsters?" "Nothing special. We just them straight out that they are going to die."

   It finally happened. Dogs are getting in on the gender neutrality thing. While I was walking my dog this morning, she lifted her leg to whiz on a tree.

   If NFL players wanted free speech, then why don't they protest the fines they pay for end zone celebrations?! Hypocrites!

   I'm more excited than a long line of f@t ladies in the grocery store express lane that have their arms filled with Halo Top Diet Ice Cream on a buy one get one free special.

   My wife says I am paranoid.. of course that's what I'd expect an undercover CIA agent to say..

   I deactivated my automatic spell checker on Facebook. Who I really didn't know in real life anyways.

   How many dads do you think have their hands on their hips looking at the rain saying "We really needed this"?

   The good old days are in the past, yet the memories are alive in the present.

   The eyes are the window to the soul. The mouth is the window to the esophagus. (Sorry. I'm anticipating Thanksgiving dinner.)

   Random friend: Wow...how do you have so many friends on Facebook? Me: I'm a fricking train wreck and people like to watch.

   There are three sides to every argument: Your side, the other person's side, and the correct side.

   Some would call me a "Foodie", but that definition is too refined. I'm more along the lines of a glutton.