Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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A Pizza is just a real-time Pie Chart showing how much Pizza is left. 
Some people are as useful as a white crayon.
Covid-19 Log -4/14/20: Shaved my shoulders.
The current 2020 calender has been scrapped. Going forward it has been redesigned as a year with 121 weeks. Each week is now 3 days long made up of Today, Tomorrow and Yesterday.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat* Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to…. Me: Shat.
My husband has started pronouncing s’mores like schmores so I guess were at the growing old together stage.
I see NASA is planning a mission to find water on the moon and maybe I'll go someday if they find enough to make a decent cup of coffee with.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
And in the end,
the love you take
is equal
to the love you make
Some people are like bees. They bring honey, but they also sting. 🐝
Who has the guts to tell Shaquille O’Neal that the General has been seen riding around with Snoop Dogg?
From Cairo, Egypt: The government has instructed all city cab drivers to sound their horns while driving through the city. It's hoped that a return of familiar city sounds will help restore calm due to Corona. Operation Toot N Calm Em will last a week.
If you want to know how much someone's opinion is worth, try paying your bills with them.
Like a Drifter I Walk Alone.
By Whitesnake....and the CDC
i went to the doctors this morning and accidentally left my phone at home, now I know how Kevin McCallister's parents from home alone felt.
Read a book on how to have a happy marriage. It stated to treat your wife the way you did while dating her. So after dinner tonight I'll drop her off at her parents house.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award, let's pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups.
What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? Retired.
When they ship styrofoam. What do the pack it in?
A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten." I need bail money now 