Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breaking News: A woman with a suspicious looking cold sore on her lip just tried to kiss me on the cheek. Don't worry, I am okay. I stiff armed her!

   Hard to believe we once all had phones physically attached to a wall. When it rang we'd pick it up without knowing who was calling… And it did not send or receive text messages... How Amazing! We all survived those times and we're still alive…

   If your girlfriend complains that you never take her anywhere expensive.. Take her to the Gas Station.

   TIP: A quick way to get your kids out of bed is to go in their room and shout, "What the Heck?!! There are deer in our backyard!! "

   Attention to all my lady Facebook friends; Posting pics of you and your men kissing and frolicking is one sure way to get deleted.

   Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them German, Because life is also terrifying and confusing.

   When my Mrs left I was sad & lonely :( Since then, I've got a dog, shagged 2 women & blown a £1000 on booze & cocaine. She'll go mental when she gets in from work!!

   Every time someone tells me Happy Holidays, I just want to deck their halls....with a roundhouse kick to the face.....

   Fellas: Never let your woman talk you into painting her nails. You might as well give her your balls too.

   there once was a man from Peru, who fell asleep in a canoe. He dreamed of a genie, that tickled his weiny. And woke up with a hand full of goo.

   If your heart was really broken you would be dead. So STFU.

   Anything Gloria Allred speaks out against I will support!

   The people made of chocolate from the Hershey's commercials freak me out...

   I guess the radical libs had to come up with something in light of the strong likelihood that a Conservative Christian minority might wax our existing Socialist leader out of a job pretty soon. :-/

   I'm trying to figure out why you're mad at me for not wearing a mask. Does the one you're wearing not work?

   I vote for Chinx getting the vaccine last.

   EVERY man agrees with his woman until she opens her mouth (to talk !)

   I cant wait until 2016 so that I can learn through FB what country Hillary Clinton was really born in and what type of tyrantical gvmt she's associated with and how fast she plans to go door to door to take everyones hand guns..

   It's a real shame that Justin Bieber never got to attend a sleepover at Michael Jackson's house

   I don't know who has a worse lineup right now, the Mets or the Republicans