Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're drinking and driving this weekend don't forget to not text much

   Someone asked me for my email address today, I don't know, I never email myself!!!

   American Patriotism is not defined as the love of our country to the exclusion of all else, it's the love of a country that's great enough to include everything else!

   Ever have one of those days, when you just want to throw a wet cat at someone's face

   I told my wife the succubus did it, she still slaped me..

   firing bottle rockets at blue hairs wearing 4th of July Snuggie's!

   How many BBQ's do I have to get drunk at to prove I love America????

   eating bacon with Mohammed.

   Succubus (noun): is a female demon which comes to men, especially bachelors, in their dreams to seduce them and have sexual intercourse with them, drawing energy from the men to sustain itself, often until the point of exhaustion or death. This legend was

   No no no .... They're not "Used Cars" anymore, they're "Pre-owned" I suggest "Divorce" be changed to "Pre-F*%ked"

   A*s....its the theme of the day! I feel like it, look like it, hopefully don't smell like it and probably am one!

   Nothing says your celebrating the birth of our Nation, like the smell of Gunpowder and Beer..

   If you don't wake up, eat & then go back to sleep, you're doing Sunday wrong.

   she may be from Kentucky but she is still one hell of a throat yodleler...

   Pain is nature's way of saying, "Don't do that." Painkillers are mankind's way of saying, "Just watch me."

   They're not "Used Cars" anymore, they're "Pre-owned" I suggest "Divorce" be changed to "Pre-Loved"

   Apparently if you have my good looks and go to a nude beach everyone gets jealous and they make you put your clothing back on.

   Getting some cans of gas to make this years homemade fireworks show more entertaining.

   Just like a baby I like to drink my dinner from a bottle.

   Q: What do you have when Hillary Clinton is at the beach buried up to her neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.