Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you are single maybe it's not everyone else, maybe it's you!

   Steelers menu tonight: 4 & 20 black (dirty) birds baked in a pie!

   Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister and me.

   Enough respect to women who know how to roll bada$$ blunts.

   Two antennas meet on a rooftop, fall in love, get married....The wedding wasn't much but the reception was great!

   I heard Justin Bieber is going transgender to become a man. He is going to use the name Bruce Jenner. He has already been awarded 936 man of the year awards too

   Ťhï§ ï§ hőw äň öřğą§m fəəļ§ whëņ pűť ïņťø wőřđ§.

   My friend came over today and left his new laptop on the damn floor. My dad not knowing how old fashion he is thought it was a scale. Conclusion: My dad weighs 980.34$ dollars.

   Christianity should not be cover for Douchebaggery.

   What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?...............wipes =)

   when your sitting at redlight, surrounded by people. Do you toss your McD's bag, old paper work and junk mail out the window? No?..then why the hell do you flick your half smoked cig out, like its acceptable behavior?! You jagoffs!!

   Breaking news - snow white has been thrown out of Disneyland after sitting on Pinocchio's face singing "tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies"

   What's the quickest way to lose 190 pound of ugly fat ? Divorce him

   what we have here...is a failure to communicate....

   Diamonds are a girl's best friend... Dogs are a mans best friend... Now, who's the smarter sex?

   I woke up this morning and my friend said "Did you sleep good?" I said "No. I made a few mistakes."

   all alone on christmas so why not get drunk ? Beers in the fridge !

   i dont know much about pies, but daaaaamn you make my banana cream!

   Every American President inherits a sworn duty to protect Israel. Protecting Israel costs money and lives. Losing money and lives while trying to protect Israel can cost an American president his job. Its a viscous circle.

   that awkward moment when two peodos both pretending to be kids arrange a meeting over facebook and then meet up